I-messages
I-messages are effective communication techniques to use when talking with another person. The goals of I-messages are to keep interactions positive, and avoid blame, guilt, judgment, and shame. I-messages express your own feelings, while “you” messages place assumptions or judgments onto the person with whom you are speaking. A “you” message would sound like, “You need to pay more attention!” or “You shouldn’t be acting like that.”[1]
Here is an example of turning a “you” message into an I-message. The “you” message might be something like, “You always disobey our rules and do whatever you want!” However, turning it into an I-message might sound more like this, “I feel angry when you disobey the rules we’ve laid out for you because I feel disrespected. I like it when you obey the rules, guidelines, and boundaries we have in this family because it makes me feel like you care about me, yourself, and the whole family.”[2]
How to use this method:
- “I feel ___
- When ___
- Because ___
- I like ___”[3]
This outline expresses how you feel about a given situation, action, or behavior by explaining what you feel, why you feel that way, and what you would like the desired behavior to be.
Example
- “I feel worried and anxious when it is one hour past the time you were to be home and I have not heard from you because I fear something bad has happened. I like it when you keep in touch with me if you might be late. I need you to contact me if you will be late.”
Key Takeaway
- I-messages start with the word “I,” express your own feelings to keep communication positive, and help avoid blame and judgment onto the other person.
- Eastman, K. L., Corona, R. A., & Schuster, M. (2006, October). Talking Parents, Healthy Teens: A Worksite-based Program for Parents to Promote Adolescent Sexual Health. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/pcd/issues/2006/oct/06_0012.htm ↵
- American Academy of Pediatrics. (2015, November 21). Components of Good Communication. Retrieved April 11, 2020, from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Components-of-Good-Communication.aspx ↵
- Heath, P. (2013). Parent-child relations: Context, research, and application (3rd Ed.). Pearson. ↵