Group Members:

Marissa De Lio, Department of Child and Youth Studies, Brock University. Prepared for CHYS 3P30, Dr. Maureen Connolly

Questions

1. In your own words, explain what taken-for-granted ‘rules’ for children’s emotions are. In doing so, provide an example of how adults within your own life have used these rules by discussing a personal experience that you are comfortable with sharing.
2. List Goffman’s four stages that govern adults’ management of embarrassment and explain how each one can be embodied.
3. List what the three stages of embarrassment are (tripartite of embarrassment).
4. Below is an example of an embarrassing childhood experience using the tripartite in its explanation. Identify and number each stage of embarrassment in the story by underlining the sentence that pertains to that stage.

Anna, a ten-year-old girl, and her family are walking towards the door of a restaurant to go eat dinner. When walking up the steps, Anna trips and falls while hitting her elbow against the stair’s stone. She begins to scream and cry in pain. Patrons inside of the restaurant and in the parking lot notice Anna and stop what they are doing to watch the scene unfold. An employee walking into the restaurant for the beginning of her shift notices Anna fall and asks if she needs help and if she is okay. Suddenly two other people from the parking lot come running to help Anna stand up, to which she does and hides her face in her mothers’ jacket in an attempt to escape other’s attention. After Anna’s mother reassured the patrons that Anna was unharmed, they carried on with their activities while Anna and her family entered the restaurant.

5. Fill in the blanks

Adults certainly accept the possibility that children feel anger, but the ___________ , ____________, and ____________ aspects of anger may come as a surprise.

6. Within chapter five, Waksler (1996) provides numerous examples of how adults can be an unintentional source of children’s anger. Identify and discuss two ways in which this may be true.
7. Although adults exhibit their own fears of potential dangers or the unknown, they commonly view fears withheld by children as “childish” or “silly”. In doing so, how do adults deny, minimize, or ignore children’s fears? Explain your answer using evidence from the text.
8. Throughout the chapter, Waksler (1996) repeatedly argues that adults “not only fail to provide solace and support for children but make manageable situations more difficult”. Explain and use an example to describe how this may be so.
9. Explain how an adult’s inability to appreciate children’s schemas can invite adults to minimize or deny the existence of children’s feelings.
10. Fill in the blanks

__________  ____________ about children’s emotions coupled with ____________ over children make it possible for adults to ____________ children’s emotions without so great a risk of ____________ social encounters as is likely in adult-adult interactions.

Answer Key

1. In your own words, explain what taken-for-granted ‘rules’ for children’s emotions are. In doing so, provide an example of how adults within your own life have used these rules by discussing a personal experience that you are comfortable with sharing.

As described in Waksler (1996), taken-for-granted rules are those that “govern the emotions that child ought and ought not to feel and the objects and events towards which they ought and ought not to feel harm” (p.79).

Answers will vary on students’ definitions, and examples but below is a sample of my own answer.

Taken-for-granted rules are those that guide parental and societal expectations of how children should or should not behave, feel, or express harm towards a particular event, situation, or object at any given time (Waksler, 1996). An example from my childhood that reflects the enactment of taken-for-granted rules occurred when I was six-years-old in a grocery store with my mom. As my birthday is around the Christmas holiday and was only a few weeks away, my mom and I walked in the toy aisle to look for presents we could give to other family members. While observing the new toys, I immediately found one that I really wanted and asked my mom if she could buy it for me as an early birthday present. When she said no, I instantly became upset and started to cry in the store. When my mom saw me crying, she walked over to me and told me that I shouldn’t be upset because I had other toys that I could play with at home and that I should be grateful for the ones I had because other children were not as fortunate as I was. Thereafter, she told me to stop crying and wipe my tears away so we could continue with our shopping venture. In doing so, this story exemplifies an adult’s use of taken-for-granted rules as my mother attempted to govern my feelings towards the toy. More specifically, as she deemed my sadness and crying because of the toy as inappropriate, she regulated my behaviour by telling me to stop crying and that I should not feel upset because I had more toys at home (Waksler, 1996). However, as my mother failed to acknowledge the source of my emotions, she implicitly ignored my perspective, allowing her to minimize and deny the emotional impact of this experience (Waksler, 1996). Therefore, as taken-for-granted rules are those that adults use to govern children’s behaviour based on their own ideologies, my mom utilized them to control my crying and sadness within the store as she deemed my small temper tantrum over a toy as inappropriate.

2. List Goffman’s four stages that govern adults’ management of embarrassment and explain how each one can be embodied. 

Within Waksler (1996), Goffman states that in everyday social interactions adults

1. Strive to conceal their own embarrassment.
2. Expect to receive assistance from others in that concealment.
3. Expect to receive from others who recognize the embarrassment assistance in repairing the situation.
4. May experience the dissolution of an encounter in the face of unrepaired embarrassment. (p.81)

As illustrated within Waksler (1996), Goffman’s first stage when managing embarrassment is an adults’ attempt to conceal their emotions. According to Goffman’s theory, when individuals experience embarrassment, they appear to be physiologically flustered, revealing impressions of inferiority, weakness, and defeat to others (Waksler, 1996, p.82). Due to the negative connotations socially ascribed to feelings of embarrassment, adults attempt to conceal their emotions externally. However, their embodied emotions are often made apparent to others through their gestures, facial expressions, and movements. Specifically, when physiologically flustered and embarrassed, individuals may cover their face with their hands to hide their cheeks’ redness, convey surprised or shocked facial expressions or walk away from the scene. In doing so, despite trying to hide their embarrassment, adults’ external actions may reveal their embodied emotions, allowing others to perceive their current emotional state. Therefore, the concealment of an adults’ embarrassment can be embodied through their physical gestures, facial expressions, and movements after experiencing an embarrassing event.

In Goffman’s second stage of embarrassment, he argues that because adults dislike feeling or appearing embarrassed socially, many will often suppress their emotions by pretending to be unaware of their presence or hide them using physical gestures (Waksler, 1996, p.83). However, when attempting to suppress or conceal their emotions, an adult’s embarrassment often becomes embodied and revealed simultaneously. More specifically, in an attempt to compose themselves, adults may change the conversation or excuse themselves from the scene to alleviate the stress or attention placed upon them. Additionally, adults may bow their heads or focus on a random object in the room to avoid unnecessary eye contact, conversations or to hide their facial expressions from others. In doing so, as adults utilize their physical body and expressions to conceal or suppress their feelings, their embodied emotions of embarrassment unconsciously become revealed to others as their body language singles changes in behaviour and emotion.

During Goffman’s third stage of embarrassment, he argues that when an embarrassing event transpires, both the individual and onlooker experience emotions of shame and guilt (Waksler, 1996, p.84). Specifically, Goffman asserts that due to social standards and the negative connotations associated with embarrassment, the initially embarrassed individuals experience feelings of shame, guilt, and weakness (Waksler, 1996). Coincidingly, the onlooker or the adult who threatened the other person also experiences shame or guilt due to the acknowledgement that he may have destroyed the other’s social image as well as his own (Waksler, 1996, p.84). In doing so, both parties’ embodied emotions may become revealed through their expressive body language and attempts to help one another. Specifically, upon the initial onset of embarrassment, victims may publicize their embodied emotions of shame and guilt by conveying sad, shocked, or surprised facial expressions or using their hands to cover their face to conceal their embarrassment. Additionally, as exemplified within Waksler (1996), victims who cry also reveal their embodied emotions of shame to others as their tears reflect inner sadness, despair, or guilt. Simultaneously, however, as the onlooker recognizes his wrongdoings, their embodied emotions become revealed as he apologizes or assists the other person. More specifically, by acknowledging, admitting to, and apologizing for his mistakes, the adult onlooker expresses his inner sorrow and guiltiness to the victim, exposing his embodied emotions to the victim. As a result, when receiving assistance in repairing an embarrassing situation, both adults’ embodied feelings of shame and guilt become revealed through their expressive body language and attempts to assist the other person.

As illustrated within Waksler (1996), Goffman’s fourth stage of embarrassment involves adults’ failure to conceal their knowledge of another person’s embarrassment (p.85). Similar to Goffman’s first and second stage, when an adult attempts to hide their emotions from others or suppresses them internally, they risk publicizing their embodied emotions through their social behaviour. More specifically, when knowledgeable of another’s embarrassment, adults embodied emotions may become known as they begin to disassociate with others, avoid social interactions or physically remove themselves from situations. As exemplified within Waksler (1996), adults may pretend not to notice others’ feelings; however, the avoidance of adult-child social interactions may expose embodied knowledge to others. Additionally, the adult’s departure from the scene may reveal their embodied emotions as their explicit behaviour becomes suspicious as they avoid public attention (Waksler, 1996). As a result, when recognizing and concealing knowledge of the other’s emotions, adults may unintentionally express their embodied feelings as they suspiciously disassociate with others, avoid social interactions or remove themselves from others, demonstrated through their social behaviours.

3. List what the three stages of embarrassment are (tripartite of embarrassment)

According to Waksler (1996), children’s embarrassment proceeds in three stages.

1. The initial embarrassment.
2. The embarrassment of adults’ attentions, even those apparently motivated by kindness, concern, or sympathy, that violate the rule calling for the pretense of not noticing.
3. The continuing embarrassment occasioned by children’s inability to escape the encounter by departing the scene. (p.86)
4. Below is an example of an embarrassing childhood experience using the tripartite in its explanation. Identify and number each stage of embarrassment in the story by underlining the sentence that pertains to that stage.

Anna, a ten-year-old girl, and her family are walking towards the door of a restaurant to go eat dinner. When walking up the steps, Anna trips and falls while hitting her elbow against the stair’s stone (stage one). She begins to scream and cry in pain. Patrons inside of the restaurant and in the parking lot notice Anna and stop what they are doing to watch the scene unfold. An employee walking into the restaurant for the beginning of her shift notices Anna fall and asks if she needs help and if she is okay (stage two). Suddenly two other people from the parking lot come running to help Anna stand up, to which she does and hides her face in her mothers’ jacket in an attempt to escape other’s attention (stage three). After Anna’s mother reassured the patrons that Anna was unharmed, they carried on with their activities while Anna and her family entered the restaurant.

Stage one, the initial scene of embarrassment, occurs when Anna trips, falls and injures her elbow on the stairs as she recognizes her mistake and tries to recover without gaining others’ attention.

Stage two occurs when the restaurant employee asks Anna if she is injured and needs assistance standing up. Although the employee is being sincere and kind in helping, the attention placed upon Anna reveals that others have acknowledged her mistake, intensifying feelings of embarrassment further.

Stage three occurs as more people approach Anna to ask if she is okay and needs assistance. As Anna’s feelings of embarrassment are prolonged and intensified, she cannot escape the scene and attempts to avoid contact with others by hiding in her mom’s jacket.

5. Fill in the blanks.

“Adults certainly accept the possibility that children feel anger, but the thoroughgoing, enduring, and consequential aspects of anger may come as a surprise” (Waksler, 1996, p.87)

6. Within chapter five, Waksler (1996) provides numerous examples of how adults can be an unintentional source of children’s anger. Identify and discuss two ways in which this may be true.

Answers may vary but below is a sample of my answer to this question.

Although adults acknowledge that children experience feelings of anger, many fail to recognize how they may contribute to, or be a source of, their child’s distress. As exemplified within Waksler (1996), adults can contribute to children’s anger when they laugh at or mock children for their innocent mistakes. More specifically, when an embarrassing event transpires or when children make mistakes, they often feel vulnerable, insecure, or inferior to others. Simultaneously, when adults fail to provide support or assistance and unconsciously reinforce power differential stereotypes by laughing at children’s innocence or lack of knowledge, they may unintentionally contribute to children’s anger (Waksler, 1996). In doing so, as many adults fail to recognize how their actions contribute to their child’s behaviour, their expression of laughter or mockery may unintentionally cause or contribute to their child’s distress.

Another way adults unintentionally contribute to or become the source of children’s anger occurs when adults fail to offer apologies for their wrongdoings but coerce children into apologizing to others for their perceived mistakes (Waksler, 1996). As exemplified within Waksler (1996), adults’ commitment to their understanding of a given situation may be biased or flawed due to misperceptions of the event or extraneous variables. However, when adults recognize and acknowledge their mistakes, many fail to offer apologies and avoid confrontation with others (Waksler, 1996). In doing so, adults’ inability to apologize for their wrongdoings contributes to children’s anger as children deem adult-child power differentials to be unjust and immoral. Additionally, as adults can govern children’s behaviour and often coerce children into apologizing, they may unknowingly contribute or be the source of children’s anger as children may view an apology as unwarranted (Waksler, 1996). Specifically, when children feel as if they were not at fault or have made a mistake, being forced to apologize for something they have been accused of can enhance their distress and perpetuate anger. As a result, adults’ failure to offer apologies when they have made a mistake or coercing children into apologizing when they are not at fault can contribute to or become the source of children’s anger.

7. Although adults exhibit their own fears of potential dangers or the unknown, they commonly view fears withheld by children as ‘childish’ or ‘silly’. In doing so, how do adults deny, minimize, or ignore children’s fears? Explain your answer using evidence from the text.

Throughout childhood, adults may explicitly or implicitly misunderstand, misinterpret, or disagree with children over whether a given situation or object provokes fear (Waksler, 1996). As adults are likely to deem childhood fears, especially those that are unrealistic, as inappropriate, foolish, or immature, many risk denying or ignoring children’s emotions and fears (Waksler, 1996). Exemplified within Waksler’s (1996) chapter five, when children’s fears are solely based on their imagination, such as fearing monsters, many adults perceive these fears as irrelevant or meaningless as they are knowledgeable about their inexistence. However, as children seek out authority figures for alternative explanations, adults’ inability to provide adequate support for children’s fears due to their misperceptions leaves children’s emotions minimized (Waksler, 1996). In doing so, children may maintain their versions of what they believe to be true and construct explanations for parents’ inadequate support, such as ‘my mom doesn’t care’ (Waksler, 1996, p.92). As a result, adults’ inability to understand or acknowledge children’s fears as legitimate enables them to perceive the child’s fears as childish, limiting their ability to provide adequate support and ultimately denying, ignoring, and minimizing children’s emotions and fears.

8. Throughout the chapter, Waksler (1996) repeatedly argues that adults “not only fail to provide solace and support for children but make manageable situations more difficult”. Explain and use an example to describe how this may be so.

Answers may vary on the example utilized, but below is a sample of my own answer.

When children experience an embarrassing moment, they are left feeling vulnerable, defeated, and insecure. However, how adults attempt to repair the situation can make the experience more difficult as adults are likely to use embarrassing tactics to remedy the problem, call public attention to the event or fail to provide children with adequate assistance (Waksler, 1996). More specifically, when discussing bed-wetting as an embarrassing event, Waksler (1996) illustrates that children’s attempts to conceal their embodied emotions of embarrassment become compromised when adults use their embarrassment as a strategy to prevent the situation from reoccurring. As described within Waksler (1996), adults may utilize resources available to them, such as diapers, to further humiliate children in front of their siblings or peers in hopes that they will be too embarrassed to wet the bed again, accomplishing their goal of repairing the situation (p.82). However, in doing so, already embarrassed children experience further humiliation, defeat or inferiority which makes coping with the initial embarrassing experience more challenging. Additionally, when adults explicitly pronounce children’s embarrassment to others, the distress it instills on children enables them to ascribe negative characteristics to their personal qualities while believing them to be true (Waksler, 1996). Serving as an example described within Waksler (1996), when teachers’ pronounce to the class that a student is too short for their classroom’s growing tree, the student may become self-conscious, embarrassed or ashamed of her height in comparison to her peers (p.83). In doing so, the repercussions of having others know about one’s embarrassment, by adults, makes it more difficult for children to deal with manageable situations as children may experience added negative emotions other than embarrassment. Lastly, as adults fail to recognize how they may be a source of children’s embarrassment, they become unable to assist children in concealing their emotions or guiding them out of the situation (Waksler, 1996). More specifically, when adults are unaware of children’s emotions, they fail to recognize when children need assistance and tend to minimize, deny, or dismiss children’s feelings by not focusing on them. In doing so, children are often left managing their own experiences, making the situation more difficult due to their lack of experience or knowledge. As a result, adults may unintentionally make situations more difficult for children to manage as they capitalize on children’s embarrassment to repair the situation, expose children’s embarrassment to others, or fail to provide adequate assistance due to their misperceptions (Waksler, 1996).

9. Explain how an adult’s inability to appreciate children’s schemas can invite adults to minimize or deny the existence of children’s feelings.

Answers may vary; however, a sample answer is provided below.

As adults have the authority to govern children’s emotions towards specific objects, events or situations, their misperceptions or inability to appreciate children’s cognitive schemas may unintentionally minimize or deny the existence of children’s feelings (Waksler, 1996). Illustrated within Waksler (1996), when adults fail to appreciate the value or importance children place upon particular objects, they may unconsciously ignore, minimize, or deny children’s feelings. Serving as an example, when adults are unaware of the symbolic significance children place upon a particular object, such as a toy doll, adults may view their child’s behaviour as immature, overly sensitive, or inappropriate (Walker, 1996). In doing so, many adults fail to provide children with adequate support or tend to their emotional needs, leaving children to manage their emotions alone (Waksler, 1996). As a result, adults’ inability to understand or appreciate children’s cognitive schemas, enables parents to unconsciously minimize, ignore, or deny children’s emotions as they may deem their behaviour as inappropriate or childish and simultaneously provide inadequate support.

10. Fill in the blanks.

“ Inaccurate assumptions about children’s emotions coupled with power over children make it possible for adults to overlook children’s emotions without so great a risk of destroying social encounters as is likely in adult-adult interactions” (Waksler, 1996, p.97)